Where has all the time gone?

It’s been a long time.

It’s been years.

Out of the blue, I remembered this old blog. I decided to look it up. It feels rather strange. How much I’ve changed over three short years.

I’ve gone from being a fairly smart, hopeful young woman to… nothing.

All my hopes and dreams of my youth were never realised. I never got a career in psychology. I never made it to work in a zoo. I ended up in a dreaded office job, earning a pittance. I live in a shared house, and have few people in my life I can truly call friend.

I guess I can see why this happened.

My depression, which I now know I’ve had since childhood, snuck up on me like the sneakiest little sneaker and took full hold of my life. It doesn’t help that I discovered a lot of my problems stem from what I realised to be an abusive childhood. Funny how you never realise you’re abused until you’re away from it all.

A lot has happened over these last few years. I got my current job. I joined a gym. I started working with a personal trainer. I failed at everything workout related. Still going though. I got kicked out of my home. I gained a scary amount of weight. I became an alcoholic. My dog died. My mother died.

I’m pretty much alone. I’ve got no one I can really turn to. It’s a horrible feeling.

But you know what?

I’m taking steps to make my life better. There’s not much for me to look forward to, I admit. But I’m working on getting better. I’m back into my firebreathing. I’m writing more. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m hoping, with my inheritance, I can get a little place of my own.

I’m hoping I can finally turn my back on all those who let me down, who stabbed me in the back, who pushed me over when I was losing my balance.

I’m hoping this time next year, I’ll have made a difference.

I’m hoping.

Waitressing

Well it’s been a while since I posted. I know I keep saying I’m going to keep up with this, and post lots, but hell, that never seems to happen.
A lot of crap has been going on for a while, but that’s not something I really need to get into right now.
Anyway, updates.
I’m going to Center Parcs next week (yay!), the new one, Woburn I think it’s called. Looking forward to it. Well, kinda. I’m going with my Dad, sister and nephew. I don’t get on with my sister and it’s a rather uneasy relationship with my dad, but I love my nephew and I’m glad I’m going with him, though I think I’m going to do most of the caring that week. I don’t really mind too much, but I do kinda want some time for me. Plus, it should be my sister looking after him, though knowing her reputation for shirking responsibility whenever she can, and playing to the gallery, and only fussing her kid when she feels she’ll get attention from it is a ballache.
Bah.
Update number 2.
I’m trying to learn guitar. I have one, and I’ve just about figured out Auld Lang Sye, but it’s pretty tricky. I’ve got some apps and internet stuff I can look at, but it’s gonna take a while. I knew it would, but it’s a pain getting past that initial learning phase. Had to cut my nails off too. I’m by no means a girly girl, but I’m proud of my nails and I hate them short. I kept them long on my right hand… but of course my thumbnail broke off at work.
Ah, work.
If anyone reads this, and ever considers going into hospitality, i.e. waitressing, catering, or anything similar, don’t. At least, not where I work.
Hoo boy, it’s crap on a stick.
My feet hurt, my back hurts, I can’t grip things properly any more, it sucks. I know that the pain is part and parcel of working in this industry, but bloody hell.
I got chucked in the deep end too. No training, people expecting me to know everything and getting pissy when I don’t. Working with some absolute arseholes too. Most of the people I work with are cool, but there are just a couple who are horrendous. Think playground bullying, and you’ve got an idea of what I have to deal with.
The hours are long, the pay is appalling, some of my coworkers are self-entitled cockends, and I just want OUT.
But I need another job. Which is why I’m starting my own business.
It’s focused on canine behaviourism, i.e. dog training and helping problem dogs. Watch this space.
The ballache is if I want to keep this waitressing job part time while I get off the ground is that I have to work weekends. I don’t wanna but my new boss said it’s pretty much a must.
Fair enough. I understand why, but it’s still a nightmare. Weekends are the worst. I just hope as Autumn and Winter roll around we’ll get fewer customers. I’m hoping to be gone by Halloween. Definitely by Christmas. Fuck working the Christmas shift. Seriously. The general public’s view of the place is that it’s a dump, with overpriced food, poor service and is generally, to quote a customer, “poo”.
Anyway. It’s gone one in the morning and I’m back at the shithole later. Time for sleeps. Let’s hope I do actually sleep this time. Haven’t slept all too well recently.

Leaked Deadpool Film Footage

Right, I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it, we’ve all orgasmed over and over again to it.

The “leaked” test footage from a few years ago for a Deadpool film, starring Ryan Reynolds as the titular wise cracking, bad-guy slapping, nice arse rocking Merc with a Mouth.

It’s beautiful. It’s perfect. I have no complaints about it, except for why isn’t there more?

I don’t know whether or not the film is in production, or even being considered.

I want this film badly. Like really badly. I’d slaughter an African Village for it, with a big smile on my face. I’d identify as ‘Pool’s left bollock if I had to.

Mind you, I guess this is partly because I may have accidentally completely incidentally not-searching-at-all-y stumbled across what might be the script.

It’s a big IF.

I don’t know if it’s real or fake, a draft, or something that’s really going to go ahead. I can’t say.

All I know is it made me laugh, and it made me cry.

Me.

I never cry at anything.

I want it. And I want it now.

Captain RiffRaff’s Top Ten Creepypastas

I LOVE horror. Horror films, horror stories, anything to do with the spooky and the supernatural, the horrifying and the horrible, the shocking and the downright shit-your-pants scary. Some of my fondest memories are sitting with friends in the dead of night, trying to scare each other with stories and whathaveyou.

So I decided to compile my own favourite scary stories from around the internet. I’ll warn you now, there are spoilers for each, so don’t read the descriptions if you don’t know the pasta.

Okay, here we go!

10 – Mr. Widemouth

A reasonably short story about a poorly child who makes friends with something called Mr. Widemouth. He keeps the child company and plays games with him, but those games start to become a bit sinister, and ultimately dangerous. Mr Widemouth wants the child to come into the woods with him to play more games, but the child, now frightened of him, decides not to. The family moves away and the child grows up. Eventually he returns to the house and recalls Mr. Widemouth, and follows the path that he was once told to go down. At the end of it is a graveyard full of children’s graves.

It’s a nice story, not overly frightening but it does put you on edge. Makes you wonder why a well-behaved child suddenly does something really naughty…

Rum Rating: 5/10

9 – Smile.Dog

Set up beautifully to creep you out, Smile Dog tells the story of a cursed picture that haunts you in your dreams if you see it. It’s a reasonably well-told story, and putting the picture in question at the end of the tale is the perfect creep to seal the fate of the gullible. Simple yet effective, Smile Dog is creepy if you’ve not seen it before, and though the picture is scary, the freak wears off after a while.

Rum Rating: 6/10

8 – Squidward’s Suicide

Fantastic description and exquisite detail make for one creepy creepypasta. The added nostalgia and familiarity with Squidward makes this story more easily relateable, and therefore more freaky. It’s a lost episode creepypasta, with some very disturbing imagery thrown into it. It was one of the first creepypastas that I read, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Though it no longer scares me (let’s face it, hardly any CrPa’s scare me any more) it’s still a well written, very sad, very disturbing piece of literature, and an old favourite I come back to. Though after the first time it doesn’t scare, that first time is one to remember.

Rum Rating: 8/10

7 – Psychosis 

Psychosis questions the very reality of life. Are we being spied on? Are we being controlled? It’s a longish creepypasta, but it’s well written and the descent into “madness” is portrayed expertly. The ending is brilliant, but you have to really get into the story to appreciate the ending. It’s also a very good reason to never leave your flat.

Rum Rating: 7/10

6 – The Portraits

A nice, short creepypasta about a man who gets lost in the woods and finds an empty cabin to spend the night in. The cabin is filled with very angry looking portraits and he struggles to sleep. He eventually drifts off and in the morning, sees the walls of the room are dotted with small windows.

It’s short, it’s simple, and it’s very effective. It gives you a jolt the first time you read it, and the shortness of it means it’s easy to remember and tell round a campfire. It’s brilliant.

Rum Rating 7/10

5 – Suicidemouse .avi

I think this was the first creepypasta I ever read. It’s a good read, similar in vein to Squidward’s Suicide. It’s the video that makes it though, it shit me up for weeks. It’s definitely worth checking out. I’ll put a link to the video HERE but don’t watch it until you’ve read the story.

Rum Rating 7/10

4 – Ben Drowned

One of my favourite creepypastas, Ben Drowned is a very long, very well written tale of a haunted game cartridge that terrorises the player. Buying Majora’s Mask from a yard sale, the protagonist is soon traumatised by the abnormal and freaky gameplay. The accompanying videos of the supposed gameplay give this creepypasta a very real feel, and they are spooky as shit. The fact I’m a bit of a Zelda nut and MM is one of my favourite Zelda games of all time made this all the more scary for me. It was a delight to read and watching the videos as well gave me chills. It’s a fantastic creepypasta and a must read if you’re a gamer.

Rum Rating 8/10

3 – White With Red

I adore this creepypasta. It’s another short and simple one with a a big fright once you realise what’s going on. It took me a second to figure it out when I first read it, and I swear I nearly had a heart attack. It’s brilliant in every sense of the word, and again, it’s one of those you can easily tell round a campfire for a good scare. Love it.

Rum Rating 9/10

2 – Candle Cove

Written in the style of an internet discussion group, a group of similarly aged adults discuss a TV show they used to watch as children, with their recollections becoming steadily darker as they go on. The ending is pure gold, and I won’t spoil it for you. Follow the link and shit your pants, this diamond it my go-to if I want a quick fix.

Rum Rating: 9/10

1 – The Devil Game

Perhaps this is in my number one spot because I found it most recently, or maybe it’s because it compiles all of my favourite elements of a scary story in one. It has wonderful narrative that keeps your attention throughout. It’s a decent length; long, but not too long. It involves the occult and the devil, two aspects that I love. All that’s missing is a ghost and a curse and you’ve got my perfect recipe for my ultimate creepypasta. But this doesn’t need them, it’s perfect by itself. I LOVE ritual pastas, because you can try this shit out yourself for added scares. And that ending. THAT ENDING. I loved it. I won’t spoil any of it for you, because it’s just too good. Get your butt over to the page and read it. Lights out, no noise. I give this spectacular piece a Rum Rating of ten out of ten.

(Note: the author has slapped a daft disclaimer on it. It really ruins the atmosphere so if you want a scary story, don’t read the disclaimer, just skip it and read the story.)

Peg Leg Bum Awards:

Jeff the Killer – A poorly written tale about some kid who beats some other kids up and likes it. He then gets beaten up in turn and his face is burned off. He goes bananas, cuts off his eyelids and slices his face into a big smile then murders his whole family, telling them to “go to sleep”. Granted, the picture is creepy as fuck, but the story itself is crap on a stick and I have no idea why it’s so insanely popular. The same can be applied to Twishite.

Slenderman – I used to love Slenderman. He was an unknown, a creepy, tall, faceless guy in a black suit who kidnapped and killed kids. No one knew anything about him, so he was scary. Slenderman became the new Bogeyman. But over the past couple of years, he exploded over the internet and became extremely well known. More stories were written, videos were made, even games were made about him. And as such, he stopped being scary. You know those films where you hardly see the monster? That’s scarier than seeing the monster plain as day isn’t it? Same applies to Slenderman. He’s too in your face, and he’s more a celebrity than a terrifying entity.

Eleven Reasons Why I Love Deadpool, and Why You Should Too

This article is pretty self-explanatory. Deadpool is freakin’ awesome, and there’s not a lot that will convince me otherwise. He’s been my favourite Marvel character for a while now, so sit your arse down and listen to why. Captain RiffRaff drunkenly presents; 11 Reasons Why I Love Deadpool, And Why You Should Too. Deadpool and all other characters mentioned belong to Marvel.

 

1. He’s Utterly Hilarious

There’s no arguing with this point, no matter how prudish or non-existent or just plain simple your sense of humour is, Deadpool is one funny fucker. He constantly makes jokes about himself, the situations he finds himself in, and more often than not, about the people he’s with.

He’s inventive with his insults and he doesn’t hold back with his pranks. If ever he finds himself up against an enemy who insults him in turn, his comebacks are legendary. Most importantly, he never seems to take himself too seriously when he’s in a funny mood, and his sense of humour is infectious.

No matter how down I’m feeling, a bit of Deadpool will have me laughing in minutes, guaranteed.

 

2. He’s Morally Ambiguous

Deadpool started out as a villain, making his first appearance in New Mutants issue 98. However, since getting his own series, Deadpool has been shown to be more good(ish); someone who swings between heroics and just plain arseholery. If you pay him enough, he’ll dropkick your gran over a multistory car park (but knowing him, he might just do it anyway), or he might go rescue a bunch of orphans from a housefire, roasting himself nicely in the process. He’s tried numerous times to be a “hero”, more often than not deciding that it’s not for him and he happily goes back to slaughtering for money.

Being so ambiguous opens up a mass of doors for the writers; being neither entirely good nor entirely evil means that Deadpool could do anything. He could kill the President or shag his wife, or he could save the earth and entire human race from aliens (oh yeah, he’s done that one). He has many more interesting story-arcs than most heroes. The best bit is that he’s not one of those self-important do-gooders. he’s not a teacher’s pet (hell, he probably was the one who put firecrackers up her skirt) so you don’t end up hating him for being a smarmy suck-up who’s always right. He’s human, he makes mistakes, and we can relate to that.

 

3. He’s Not Completely Evil

As I’ve said, he’s morally ambiguous, and even though he’s done some pretty foul things in his life, like taking prisoner a blind and elderly woman (who happens to be fuckin’ awesome, by the way) and frequently locking her in a room full of sharp objects and traps because he’s absolutely insane, he’s not all bad. Sure, he shoots dolphins and what-have-you for shits and giggles, but even Deadpool has a line. He has a real soft spot for kids, and while I don’t like the buggers myself, I can appreciate that having a line that you won’t cross is damn admirable.

A frequent joke in the DP universe is that he gets mistaken for Spiderman regularly. When a little girl makes that mistake on the subway, Deadpool just goes with it, instead of spoiling her joy at meeting “Spiderman”. He’s bailed on contracts because children were involved, and even taken in kids who were trying to kill him because they had nowhere to go and he felt he owed them a debt.

 

4. He Just Doesn’t Give a Shit

No matter the situation Deadpool finds himself in, his first port of call will likely be to make a joke or hit on whatever “hot babe” is in the vicinity, before the slaughter commences. No doubt his carefree attitude to problems (especially if they involve lots of stabby-stabby-blood-blood) comes from his healing factor, rendering him pretty much immortal. A large side-helping of insanity also helps.

No matter the job, if it pays well enough, he’ll waltz in with a wisecrack and a gleeful grin as he slices and dices his way through. He’s not easily intimidated, so making fun of the situation comes naturally and god damn it’s funny.

 

5. Mindless Violence! YAY!

As well as having the aformentioned healing factor, Deadpool is extremely skilled in combat, be it martial arts or general weaponry. Add some clinical insanity into the mix and you’ve got an unpredictable fighter who is more likely than not about to kick your arse. Although Deadpool loses as many fights as he wins, he’s been set against some pretty impressive odds and still come out on top.

One of the more notable fights that Deadpool won was against Taskmaster, who is renowned for being able to assimilate an opponent’s fighting style, and use this to beat the crap out of them. Deadpool just started dancing and kicked Taskmaster’s bony behind. Even if you ignored all that, Deadpool just loves violence, and will happily kill his way through anything. It’s refreshing when the main character turns into Sir Kill-a-Lot, especially seeing as most heroes only turn over the baddies to the police.

 

6. He Breaks the Fourth Wall

And he breaks it a lot. Deadpool may be crazy, but he’s crazy to the point where he knows he’s in a comic book and may use it to his humerous advantage; even going so far as to tear through the comic’s pages to warn his past self about something, which of course, he doesn’t listen to.

He’s tried to tell other characters about the “man with the typewriter and the twisted imagination”, and randomly refers to the readers and how they may be experiencing reading the comic book. Even in his game (which is fucking amazing, by the way) breaking the fourth wall is a regular occurrence, making for very entertaining gameplay. Regularly confusing other characters and sharing in-jokes with the reader leads to a very funny and special experience with the character.

 

 

7. He’s a Lot Cleverer Than People Think

Deadpool may be insane, but he’s pretty clever as well. He knows how to survive and have fun doing so at the same time. Consider Daredevil; a character with super-senses and a moral compass wound so tight you’d expect flowers to come shooting out of his arse every time he took a shit. He’s clever, and his super senses make it so he’s a tough cookie to beat. However, Deadpool has managed to escape him more than once, and has even fooled him (if only momentarily) before.

If that wasn’t impressive enough, consider Bullseye. This guy never misses. That’s why he’s called Bullseye. Yet Deadpool, being Deadpool, has managed to accuarely predict where his weapons are going to strike, and move less lethal things into their path to save another, or, even more impressively, has managed to completely avoid his missile altogether.

 

8. He’s Actually a Pretty Tragic Character

Aside from suffering a horrendous disfigurement, caused by the Weapon X program that gave him his healing factor but accelerated his cancer, causing it to spread across his whole body, Deapool is a lot deeper and more emotionally scarred than most; and that makes him relatable, especially with his coping mechanisms, namely humour and not giving a shit a lot of the time. He doesn’t hide from the fact that they are coping mechanisms either. I guess not giving a flying monkey-fuck is pretty helpful because he’s always losing. His friends, his battles, and occasionally his mind. It’s rare that Deadpool actually gets a win, so we celebrate all the harder when he does. Again, this makes him identifiable to readers, and likable because he’s not a constantly-winning-superiour-arsehole with unattainable goals that somehow are reached at the end of the episode. And he hates himself. He calls himself a monster.

Deadpool’s had a lot of shit happen to him during his life, people have used him, abused him, and the sort of torture he endured hoping for a cancer cure thanks to Weapon X’s program is something no one should experience, let alone have to live with it forever. Added to all this, if Deadpool ever loves someone, you can guarantee that they will either shit all over him, or just plain die. But he just gets up again, more crippled inside than before, slaps a grin on his mug and makes a joke, and off he skips to murder some more people for money.

 

9. He Can be Heroic

Deadpool may be morally bankrupt a lot of the time, but he does care, even if he can’t express it very well. A big story arc of his was he wanted to be a hero, and fucked up royally. But, when he was left to his own devices, he ended up doing the right thing, even though that mean he carried the burden of knowing he had doomed the human race to a lifetime of pain and free will, instead of an eternity of blissful ignorance and no free will at all. That’s pretty heroic if you ask me. Chances are, if given the choice, Deadpool will do the right thing in the end.

 

 

10. He Can’t Die

 

This would usually be a character trait that people should avoid; it means that your character is virtually unbeatable and that makes them boring. This isn’t the case with Deadpool. It’s actually kind of sad, because the amount of pain he goes through on a day to day basis would leave most people hanging off the light fittings. But even though he’s in love with Death and would do pretty much anything to be with the physical female manifestation of the cessation of essential bodily function (with a crackin’ pair of boobies) the jealous Thanos cursed him with life, meaning our favourite talkative merc will be around for a long time yet to come.

 

11. He Will Do Anything To Get What He Wants

This includes dragon-punching Kitty Pride into the clouds just to provoke Wolverine into fighting him, or shooting an innocent civilian in the leg just so he can escape Daredevil. Deadpool just don’t give a fuck.

 

There we have it folks. My reasons why I love Deadpool as a character. Do you agree? Do you not? Well you can fuck off then. My blog.

 

 

 

It’s All Over

Well my friends, this is it.

I’ve finished University.

Well, technically I finished it nine days ago, and life’s been a bit mad since then. I say mad, I mean more trying to survive on a bowl of pasta or rice a day and spending days at a time in my room, playing on my Xbox or reading Deadpool comics. Fucking love Deadpool. A week in bed is a good way to spend time, seeing as come the end of this month, I won’t get to do that again, probably for the rest of my life.

I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about finishing uni.

On the one hand, I’ve finished with a course that was a complete waste of my time, boring, and ultimately pointless. Who’d have thought that at twenty two years of age I would still be sitting exams like I did when I was sixteen? That’s uni for you. I no longer have to worry about assignments or coursework or lectures with stuffy old monkeys trying to explain why their lecture slides haven’t been changed in the last decade and why they’ve been teaching us the wrong stuff. Soon enough, I’ll be out of a house that’s mostly filled with people I really don’t like, best mate being an exception of course.

Speaking of which, he came home yesterday, which is nice. I don’t have to put up with boring, infuriating idiots by myself anymore. Plus he promised food. I like food.

Another bonus of finishing uni is that I can finally try to make something of myself, be it in terms of writing or a worthwhile job that I enjoy.

But then, it’s kind of a negative as well.

Seeing as I was a teenager when I was forced to choose what career path I would take for the rest of my life, I made a mistake. I don’t want to work in Psychology. I understand humans, I can get inside their heads, I can make them better or I can fuck them up royally. But it’s not something I want to do as a career. Fuck that.

I did a placement on Clinical Psychology last year, and it was absolutely pants. Not only was my boss a massive moron, but she never gave me any work to do. Kind of a pointless placement really. The impression I got was that all you did was a routine inspection and then a lot of paper work. No thanks.

But, seeing as that is what I have a degree in, other career options are few and far between. Oh well, Zoo it is. I’ll get there.

Leaving the house is going to be sort of negative as well. Even though I don’t like three quarters of them, and the house is ALWAYS a mess, and even though I miss my mother and dogs and nephew, it’s going to suck massively moving back home for an indefinite period of time.

I did it last year, lived home for a year after two being independent. I hated it.

I had no desk, a terrible, uncomfortable bed that does nothing for blissful sleep but exacerbates my already shitty back problems, and I have to live with a crotchety old fart, put up with a slut of a sister, live in the middle of nowhere when all my mates are elsewhere.

But, with some luck, I won’t be there for long. I’ll get me a job, save as much money as I can, and move on and get a better job. Here’s hoping.

I’ll miss my mates at uni. I’ll miss spending days lazing around, doing what I want. I’ll miss my super comfy bed. But really, this is the start of something new. So here’s hoping I make it out okay.

Protected: Things That Annoy Me: Living With Retards

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Mouse Problem

So, we have a bit of a mouse problem in my student house. It’s been around for ages, but I thought we’d caught them all a while ago with Captain RiffRaff’s very own homemade humane mouse traps. Plus, having a cat should act as a pretty good deterrent to any rodent bandits.

But, about two weeks ago, I found a cheesy bastard in my potatoes.

Naturally, the spuds went in the bin and I went on the hunt. I made another mouse trap, set the bait and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

No mice were taking the bait. Either I wasn’t making it accessible enough or mice don’t like peanut butter. I sure do.

So, when I nipped into town today to get some bits and bobs, I picked up a couple of cheap mouse traps. Just the simple snap ones that break their necks nice and clean, so the mouse doesn’t suffer.

After a little while and some bruised fingers, I set the traps with the bait, popped them in the cupboard and settled down with some revision.

Not two hours later, I heard a loud snap and a clatter. I’d got one!

I quickly scooped up the little body that was still twitching, taking a moment to say sorry and appreciate how soft it was. I am seriously considering some mouse fur gloves. I scooted outside to find my cat, who was overjoyed at the prospect of hunting a just-dead mouse.

So after I dangled it in front of her nose and she almost peed her little kitty pants, she grabbed it and ran off to the middle of the garden, where she proceeded to bat it about and chase it before settling down to a tasty snack.

Even though I technically caught the mouse, I’m still proud of her for playing her hunting games and gobbling it up. I guess that makes me her kitty mum.

Hopefully she’ll catch some herself soon.

Things That Annoy Me: Poor Animal Control

It is with a depressing frequency that I see in the news stories of dog attacks on people and children, the most recent and currently famous video about being of a dog attacking a boy on a bike outside of his home in California, who was then chased off by a rather heroic cat.

The dog either has been or will soon be put to sleep. I agree with this course of action, a dog who attacks a human should be destroyed.

BUT

What I want to know is exactly WHY this dog attacked this boy. Did the boy accidentally frighten the dog? Not likely, as the dog is seen trotting calmly up and then going for his leg. So why was he bitten? Did the dog have a mental issue (Yes, retards of the internet, animals can get those too)? Or was it a simple matter or poor training and discipline?

You see, with animals, especially man’s best friend, they have to be trained. A dog who is not trained does not know his or her place in the family, or to him, the “pack”. A dog’s natural instinct is to attempt to move up the pack and become alpha, a position that should be held by a human in the family. With correct training, the dog learns his place at the bottom of the “pack” and accepts this and becomes a wonderful, loyal, loving pet.

What is apparent in the majority of dog attacks is that the animal is not properly trained. They do not know their place and as such, may become aggressive towards a human they see as the weakest, in an attempt to move upwards. Also, with poor training, and no control over the animal, the dog learns he or she can get away with all sorts, without too strict of a “punishment”. Often, with poor training, the dog does not know why they are being punished. During training, you have a second’s window to administer praise or *punishment.

Another big issue is abuse.

A dog who is hit, kicked, smacked and all sorts of other horrible things like that is given the notion that humans are mean and nasty, and will attack you without provocation. Even if you think your pooch deserves a smack for widdling in the hall, he probably doesn’t know that. He just thinks you’ve lashed out at him. As such, the dog becomes defensive and frightened all the time, because he doesn’t know when he’s going to be hit next.

When you are afraid, your natural response is to fight or flee. What happens when flight is not an option? You fight. And what happens if something, say, a wasp, comes near you? You want to run away or whap it. Wasps sting and are nasty. Kill the bugger before it hurts you. So, an abused dog who thinks a human is going to hurt it will lash out if he can’t run away.

The majority of stories concerning dog attacks generally come from a dog who is either not trained, or abused. You know those moronic chavvy cunts who get a pitbull, staffie or rottie to look “cool” or “hard”? The dog is often untrained, and because it doesn’t do what it’s told (because it doesn’t know what the words mean) it is hit or kicked out of frustration. Hence a frightened, defensive woofer. Also, this is part of the reason why lovely, loyal, gentle dogs like the aforementioned three get bad reputations.

Even the gentlest of dogs can attack if they’re frightened enough. There’s a video floating around on the internet of a news reporter interviewing a police guy with his police dog. The news reporter ignored all the signals that the dog was not enjoying being touched and was getting defensive. The reporter then leaned over the dog, and the dog bit him. The police guy was also at fault for not indicating to the reporter that the dog was not enjoying the fuss.

Stories in the news where an unfortunate child has been bitten and the owners claim “he’s never done this before, he was so gentle” are sadly frequent. The problem here lies with people not watching their kids around a strange, or even a familiar dog.

Because let’s face it. Kids are a bit daft sometimes. You can’t be expected to know something you’ve not been told, but the responsibility lies with the owners and the parents to educate the child on how to approach and fuss a dog. It’s not difficult.

Here, if you don’t know how, follow these steps.

1: If the dog is calm, ears and tail relaxed or tail wagging, you can approach (ask owner’s permission first!)

2: Hold out your hand for the dog to sniff or lick

3: Stroke the dog on the side of his neck or shoulder, moving to rub his ears and the top of his head

4: NEVER lean over the dog or bring your hand straight down to pat his head, this may frighten them, and don’t put your face too close to theirs

5: Don’t let the child hug the dog; as much as this is a sign of affection for us, dogs see it as a means of asserting dominance and don’t like it very much

6: Don’t stare the dog in the eyes, this is seen as a challenge in the dog world and it may unnerve them

7: Always watch the child with the dog. If the dog puts his ears back, widens his eyes and glares or curls his lip, or leans away, move the child away. That’s a scared dog who doesn’t want to be touched.

 

So many dog attacks could be avoided if people are able to properly train their dogs and not abuse them. Indeed, many, many attacks could be avoided if parents and owners took a bit more responsibility. The way I see it, if your child is so precious to you that you would see a neighbour’s dog destroyed because your child frightened it and was bitten, then you can take the time to educate them and yourself and avoid your child being hurt, and a dog losing its life due to the stupidity of humans.

My strongest sympathies go out to people who have been attacked by dogs or even killed, but it can be avoided.

 

*When I say punishment, I mean a way of telling the dog that what he was doing is not allowed. I do not condone the hitting of animals at all; this should be avoided at all costs. A simple short, sharp “Aa-ah!” should be sufficient to let them know they’ve done wrong. Then as soon as they have ceased with the behaviour, praise.

I Don’t Get Ballet

Now, before the toffs out there get their silver spoons in a twist, hear me out. I can appreciate ballet is an artform, and it takes a hell of a lot of skill to do it. but I just don’t get it. The only thing I like about it is the music.

All it seems to be is a load of leaping about with pointy feet and spinning around, standing on your tip toes (resulting in some rather horrible feet problems) and sticking one leg out at a time, with the occasional ungainly kick thrown in. I’ve got Swan Lake on at the moment, mainly for the music, but every now and again I’ll flick to the other tab to see what’s going on. And it’s jumping, spinning and pointing. Every time. Is this all ballet is? Ooh now I’m holding a woman so she can bend a bit more than she could under her own steam. This princey guy and one of the girls have just repeated the same five moves over and over for about five minutes. I kinda prefer variety.

If I didn’t know the story of Swan Lake as it is, even watching the whole thing closely, I’d likely have no idea what’s going on. People prancing about, one looks like a prince, the other’s a jester, now there’s a guy dressed up like a flamboyant black devil. What?

People say it’s beautiful… And I guess if you like generic pretty looking women who all look like they were gotten out of a box from the same shelf at Toys R Us then cool, I can dig that. Yeah it’s graceful in places, but raising and lowering your arms together and skipping about with feet that stick out in odd directions isn’t what I’d call grace.

Spinning at various speeds, pointing and bending a lot. Impressive, but it’s something you could see at a circus. I’d rather go to a circus actually, so long as they were nice to their animals.