Captain RiffRaff’s Top Ten Creepypastas

I LOVE horror. Horror films, horror stories, anything to do with the spooky and the supernatural, the horrifying and the horrible, the shocking and the downright shit-your-pants scary. Some of my fondest memories are sitting with friends in the dead of night, trying to scare each other with stories and whathaveyou.

So I decided to compile my own favourite scary stories from around the internet. I’ll warn you now, there are spoilers for each, so don’t read the descriptions if you don’t know the pasta.

Okay, here we go!

10 – Mr. Widemouth

A reasonably short story about a poorly child who makes friends with something called Mr. Widemouth. He keeps the child company and plays games with him, but those games start to become a bit sinister, and ultimately dangerous. Mr Widemouth wants the child to come into the woods with him to play more games, but the child, now frightened of him, decides not to. The family moves away and the child grows up. Eventually he returns to the house and recalls Mr. Widemouth, and follows the path that he was once told to go down. At the end of it is a graveyard full of children’s graves.

It’s a nice story, not overly frightening but it does put you on edge. Makes you wonder why a well-behaved child suddenly does something really naughty…

Rum Rating: 5/10

9 – Smile.Dog

Set up beautifully to creep you out, Smile Dog tells the story of a cursed picture that haunts you in your dreams if you see it. It’s a reasonably well-told story, and putting the picture in question at the end of the tale is the perfect creep to seal the fate of the gullible. Simple yet effective, Smile Dog is creepy if you’ve not seen it before, and though the picture is scary, the freak wears off after a while.

Rum Rating: 6/10

8 – Squidward’s Suicide

Fantastic description and exquisite detail make for one creepy creepypasta. The added nostalgia and familiarity with Squidward makes this story more easily relateable, and therefore more freaky. It’s a lost episode creepypasta, with some very disturbing imagery thrown into it. It was one of the first creepypastas that I read, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Though it no longer scares me (let’s face it, hardly any CrPa’s scare me any more) it’s still a well written, very sad, very disturbing piece of literature, and an old favourite I come back to. Though after the first time it doesn’t scare, that first time is one to remember.

Rum Rating: 8/10

7 – Psychosis 

Psychosis questions the very reality of life. Are we being spied on? Are we being controlled? It’s a longish creepypasta, but it’s well written and the descent into “madness” is portrayed expertly. The ending is brilliant, but you have to really get into the story to appreciate the ending. It’s also a very good reason to never leave your flat.

Rum Rating: 7/10

6 – The Portraits

A nice, short creepypasta about a man who gets lost in the woods and finds an empty cabin to spend the night in. The cabin is filled with very angry looking portraits and he struggles to sleep. He eventually drifts off and in the morning, sees the walls of the room are dotted with small windows.

It’s short, it’s simple, and it’s very effective. It gives you a jolt the first time you read it, and the shortness of it means it’s easy to remember and tell round a campfire. It’s brilliant.

Rum Rating 7/10

5 – Suicidemouse .avi

I think this was the first creepypasta I ever read. It’s a good read, similar in vein to Squidward’s Suicide. It’s the video that makes it though, it shit me up for weeks. It’s definitely worth checking out. I’ll put a link to the video HERE but don’t watch it until you’ve read the story.

Rum Rating 7/10

4 – Ben Drowned

One of my favourite creepypastas, Ben Drowned is a very long, very well written tale of a haunted game cartridge that terrorises the player. Buying Majora’s Mask from a yard sale, the protagonist is soon traumatised by the abnormal and freaky gameplay. The accompanying videos of the supposed gameplay give this creepypasta a very real feel, and they are spooky as shit. The fact I’m a bit of a Zelda nut and MM is one of my favourite Zelda games of all time made this all the more scary for me. It was a delight to read and watching the videos as well gave me chills. It’s a fantastic creepypasta and a must read if you’re a gamer.

Rum Rating 8/10

3 – White With Red

I adore this creepypasta. It’s another short and simple one with a a big fright once you realise what’s going on. It took me a second to figure it out when I first read it, and I swear I nearly had a heart attack. It’s brilliant in every sense of the word, and again, it’s one of those you can easily tell round a campfire for a good scare. Love it.

Rum Rating 9/10

2 – Candle Cove

Written in the style of an internet discussion group, a group of similarly aged adults discuss a TV show they used to watch as children, with their recollections becoming steadily darker as they go on. The ending is pure gold, and I won’t spoil it for you. Follow the link and shit your pants, this diamond it my go-to if I want a quick fix.

Rum Rating: 9/10

1 – The Devil Game

Perhaps this is in my number one spot because I found it most recently, or maybe it’s because it compiles all of my favourite elements of a scary story in one. It has wonderful narrative that keeps your attention throughout. It’s a decent length; long, but not too long. It involves the occult and the devil, two aspects that I love. All that’s missing is a ghost and a curse and you’ve got my perfect recipe for my ultimate creepypasta. But this doesn’t need them, it’s perfect by itself. I LOVE ritual pastas, because you can try this shit out yourself for added scares. And that ending. THAT ENDING. I loved it. I won’t spoil any of it for you, because it’s just too good. Get your butt over to the page and read it. Lights out, no noise. I give this spectacular piece a Rum Rating of ten out of ten.

(Note: the author has slapped a daft disclaimer on it. It really ruins the atmosphere so if you want a scary story, don’t read the disclaimer, just skip it and read the story.)

Peg Leg Bum Awards:

Jeff the Killer – A poorly written tale about some kid who beats some other kids up and likes it. He then gets beaten up in turn and his face is burned off. He goes bananas, cuts off his eyelids and slices his face into a big smile then murders his whole family, telling them to “go to sleep”. Granted, the picture is creepy as fuck, but the story itself is crap on a stick and I have no idea why it’s so insanely popular. The same can be applied to Twishite.

Slenderman – I used to love Slenderman. He was an unknown, a creepy, tall, faceless guy in a black suit who kidnapped and killed kids. No one knew anything about him, so he was scary. Slenderman became the new Bogeyman. But over the past couple of years, he exploded over the internet and became extremely well known. More stories were written, videos were made, even games were made about him. And as such, he stopped being scary. You know those films where you hardly see the monster? That’s scarier than seeing the monster plain as day isn’t it? Same applies to Slenderman. He’s too in your face, and he’s more a celebrity than a terrifying entity.

Eleven Reasons Why I Love Deadpool, and Why You Should Too

This article is pretty self-explanatory. Deadpool is freakin’ awesome, and there’s not a lot that will convince me otherwise. He’s been my favourite Marvel character for a while now, so sit your arse down and listen to why. Captain RiffRaff drunkenly presents; 11 Reasons Why I Love Deadpool, And Why You Should Too. Deadpool and all other characters mentioned belong to Marvel.

 

1. He’s Utterly Hilarious

There’s no arguing with this point, no matter how prudish or non-existent or just plain simple your sense of humour is, Deadpool is one funny fucker. He constantly makes jokes about himself, the situations he finds himself in, and more often than not, about the people he’s with.

He’s inventive with his insults and he doesn’t hold back with his pranks. If ever he finds himself up against an enemy who insults him in turn, his comebacks are legendary. Most importantly, he never seems to take himself too seriously when he’s in a funny mood, and his sense of humour is infectious.

No matter how down I’m feeling, a bit of Deadpool will have me laughing in minutes, guaranteed.

 

2. He’s Morally Ambiguous

Deadpool started out as a villain, making his first appearance in New Mutants issue 98. However, since getting his own series, Deadpool has been shown to be more good(ish); someone who swings between heroics and just plain arseholery. If you pay him enough, he’ll dropkick your gran over a multistory car park (but knowing him, he might just do it anyway), or he might go rescue a bunch of orphans from a housefire, roasting himself nicely in the process. He’s tried numerous times to be a “hero”, more often than not deciding that it’s not for him and he happily goes back to slaughtering for money.

Being so ambiguous opens up a mass of doors for the writers; being neither entirely good nor entirely evil means that Deadpool could do anything. He could kill the President or shag his wife, or he could save the earth and entire human race from aliens (oh yeah, he’s done that one). He has many more interesting story-arcs than most heroes. The best bit is that he’s not one of those self-important do-gooders. he’s not a teacher’s pet (hell, he probably was the one who put firecrackers up her skirt) so you don’t end up hating him for being a smarmy suck-up who’s always right. He’s human, he makes mistakes, and we can relate to that.

 

3. He’s Not Completely Evil

As I’ve said, he’s morally ambiguous, and even though he’s done some pretty foul things in his life, like taking prisoner a blind and elderly woman (who happens to be fuckin’ awesome, by the way) and frequently locking her in a room full of sharp objects and traps because he’s absolutely insane, he’s not all bad. Sure, he shoots dolphins and what-have-you for shits and giggles, but even Deadpool has a line. He has a real soft spot for kids, and while I don’t like the buggers myself, I can appreciate that having a line that you won’t cross is damn admirable.

A frequent joke in the DP universe is that he gets mistaken for Spiderman regularly. When a little girl makes that mistake on the subway, Deadpool just goes with it, instead of spoiling her joy at meeting “Spiderman”. He’s bailed on contracts because children were involved, and even taken in kids who were trying to kill him because they had nowhere to go and he felt he owed them a debt.

 

4. He Just Doesn’t Give a Shit

No matter the situation Deadpool finds himself in, his first port of call will likely be to make a joke or hit on whatever “hot babe” is in the vicinity, before the slaughter commences. No doubt his carefree attitude to problems (especially if they involve lots of stabby-stabby-blood-blood) comes from his healing factor, rendering him pretty much immortal. A large side-helping of insanity also helps.

No matter the job, if it pays well enough, he’ll waltz in with a wisecrack and a gleeful grin as he slices and dices his way through. He’s not easily intimidated, so making fun of the situation comes naturally and god damn it’s funny.

 

5. Mindless Violence! YAY!

As well as having the aformentioned healing factor, Deadpool is extremely skilled in combat, be it martial arts or general weaponry. Add some clinical insanity into the mix and you’ve got an unpredictable fighter who is more likely than not about to kick your arse. Although Deadpool loses as many fights as he wins, he’s been set against some pretty impressive odds and still come out on top.

One of the more notable fights that Deadpool won was against Taskmaster, who is renowned for being able to assimilate an opponent’s fighting style, and use this to beat the crap out of them. Deadpool just started dancing and kicked Taskmaster’s bony behind. Even if you ignored all that, Deadpool just loves violence, and will happily kill his way through anything. It’s refreshing when the main character turns into Sir Kill-a-Lot, especially seeing as most heroes only turn over the baddies to the police.

 

6. He Breaks the Fourth Wall

And he breaks it a lot. Deadpool may be crazy, but he’s crazy to the point where he knows he’s in a comic book and may use it to his humerous advantage; even going so far as to tear through the comic’s pages to warn his past self about something, which of course, he doesn’t listen to.

He’s tried to tell other characters about the “man with the typewriter and the twisted imagination”, and randomly refers to the readers and how they may be experiencing reading the comic book. Even in his game (which is fucking amazing, by the way) breaking the fourth wall is a regular occurrence, making for very entertaining gameplay. Regularly confusing other characters and sharing in-jokes with the reader leads to a very funny and special experience with the character.

 

 

7. He’s a Lot Cleverer Than People Think

Deadpool may be insane, but he’s pretty clever as well. He knows how to survive and have fun doing so at the same time. Consider Daredevil; a character with super-senses and a moral compass wound so tight you’d expect flowers to come shooting out of his arse every time he took a shit. He’s clever, and his super senses make it so he’s a tough cookie to beat. However, Deadpool has managed to escape him more than once, and has even fooled him (if only momentarily) before.

If that wasn’t impressive enough, consider Bullseye. This guy never misses. That’s why he’s called Bullseye. Yet Deadpool, being Deadpool, has managed to accuarely predict where his weapons are going to strike, and move less lethal things into their path to save another, or, even more impressively, has managed to completely avoid his missile altogether.

 

8. He’s Actually a Pretty Tragic Character

Aside from suffering a horrendous disfigurement, caused by the Weapon X program that gave him his healing factor but accelerated his cancer, causing it to spread across his whole body, Deapool is a lot deeper and more emotionally scarred than most; and that makes him relatable, especially with his coping mechanisms, namely humour and not giving a shit a lot of the time. He doesn’t hide from the fact that they are coping mechanisms either. I guess not giving a flying monkey-fuck is pretty helpful because he’s always losing. His friends, his battles, and occasionally his mind. It’s rare that Deadpool actually gets a win, so we celebrate all the harder when he does. Again, this makes him identifiable to readers, and likable because he’s not a constantly-winning-superiour-arsehole with unattainable goals that somehow are reached at the end of the episode. And he hates himself. He calls himself a monster.

Deadpool’s had a lot of shit happen to him during his life, people have used him, abused him, and the sort of torture he endured hoping for a cancer cure thanks to Weapon X’s program is something no one should experience, let alone have to live with it forever. Added to all this, if Deadpool ever loves someone, you can guarantee that they will either shit all over him, or just plain die. But he just gets up again, more crippled inside than before, slaps a grin on his mug and makes a joke, and off he skips to murder some more people for money.

 

9. He Can be Heroic

Deadpool may be morally bankrupt a lot of the time, but he does care, even if he can’t express it very well. A big story arc of his was he wanted to be a hero, and fucked up royally. But, when he was left to his own devices, he ended up doing the right thing, even though that mean he carried the burden of knowing he had doomed the human race to a lifetime of pain and free will, instead of an eternity of blissful ignorance and no free will at all. That’s pretty heroic if you ask me. Chances are, if given the choice, Deadpool will do the right thing in the end.

 

 

10. He Can’t Die

 

This would usually be a character trait that people should avoid; it means that your character is virtually unbeatable and that makes them boring. This isn’t the case with Deadpool. It’s actually kind of sad, because the amount of pain he goes through on a day to day basis would leave most people hanging off the light fittings. But even though he’s in love with Death and would do pretty much anything to be with the physical female manifestation of the cessation of essential bodily function (with a crackin’ pair of boobies) the jealous Thanos cursed him with life, meaning our favourite talkative merc will be around for a long time yet to come.

 

11. He Will Do Anything To Get What He Wants

This includes dragon-punching Kitty Pride into the clouds just to provoke Wolverine into fighting him, or shooting an innocent civilian in the leg just so he can escape Daredevil. Deadpool just don’t give a fuck.

 

There we have it folks. My reasons why I love Deadpool as a character. Do you agree? Do you not? Well you can fuck off then. My blog.

 

 

 

It’s Been Almost Two Years

I should be revising. I should be exercising. I should be eating some fruit.

I should be doing a lot of things but instead I’m sitting on the sofa reading over this blog that I accidentally forgot about. Reading over it made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because some of my articles made me laugh like a motherfucker, knowing I can be funny and articulate (if rather stuck up) is good. But sad because I was so angry all the time.

I’m still angry all the time.

This seems to be a good way to vent some of my mounting frustration without severely injuring anyone, so, ignoring the upcoming exams because I no longer give a flying fuck about any of them, await the following posts with a mixture of anxiety and boyish joy.

 

In no particular order:

Things That Annoy Me: People Who Pretend They’re Something They’re Not

Things That Annoy Me: People Who Never Shut Up

Things That Annoy Me: Poor Animal Control

Things That Annoy Me: Living With Retards

 

Also I’ll be randomly updating general bollocks that happens during my average day/week etc

 

Enjoy!

Religion

“Children need religion”

No they fucking don’t. They don’t need the threat of divine punishment to be frigtened into believeing a set of rules which in the most part are outdated, just to satisfy the egotistical cravings of a non-specific deity who is so fucking nuts you’re not allowed to wear clothes of different fibres and who thinks being gay is wrong.
You do not need religion to have a set of good morals and values, they can be taught by good role models, ie the parents.

If you have faith, fine, good for you, I’m happy for you. That’s your choice. I’m sure it makes you happy in your own way, and that’s wonderful.

But remember, religion is very much like a penis. It’s fine to have one, it’s fine to be proud of it, but for the love of all things, don’t start waving it around in public and DO NOT start shoving it down children’s throats.

Thay can decide for themselves when they’re old enough.

 

I still can’t believe my own mother is this backward. Sure, she keeps quiet about her religious beliefs, and I forget she was raised a Catholic. But, she is an intelligent woman, so why the fuck does she believe in this religious bullshit? It beggars belief. Its ridiculaous. I’m ashamed of it.

For the Love

It’s been a long time since I’ve written in here, and for the, I must apologise.

 

I’ve been browsing around the internet (as you do) and have come across a fair few people who seem to have, or be having, problems with some relationships, be they romantic, friendships, or lack thereof.

 

As I’m feeling helpful today, if you have a problem relating to boy/girlfriends, family, or friends in general, even if you’re asking on behalf of another, pop your question in the comments on THIS post, and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability.