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Things That Annoy Me: Liars

I’ve never liked liars. People who make things up that never happened, be it for attention or to get out of trouble. The attention whores are the worst because, let’s face it, every kid has lied about one thing or another to avoid getting into trouble. “Did you eat that cake?” “No…” and suchlike.

But people who make shit up for attention, and the compulsive liars are the absolute worst.

Compulsive liars, there’s not even any point to half the shit they lie about. If you’ve been to Disney Land, they’ve got a season ticket. “Oh have you seen that new film that’s out?” “Yeah, I really enjoyed it.”

“My favourite food is chicken.” “Oh mine too!”

“I fell off a mountain once” (Actually happened to a friend of mine). “Oh yeah, I did too!” (The same moron who said that also claimed that, because I studied psychology, he had a degree level knowledge because his nan had taught him. It gave me great pleasure to frequently correct his knowledge and embarrass him for lying.)

 “Oh yeah, I’ve been stabbed before.”

Wait, what?

This is where compulsive liars and attention whores cross over a bit, although I recognise that compulsive liars have quite an issue and attention whores are just cunts.

Why do I hate attention whores so much? The short answer would be I hate the way they pretend they’ve been through some pretty horrendous shit just for a pat on the back or a bit of sympathy. They generally pick up on something that’s happened to someone they know, a bad break up perhaps, or an abusive partner. They then go around, telling anyone who’ll listen about this horrid thing that happened to them. And to make matters worse, they have a bunch of sycophantic “friends” who go along with everything that these numpties say.

Let me give you a few examples.

The ex-girlfriend of one of my flatmates is a pretty sad person. She’s one of those fat, unfortunate-faced, insecure people who love to think they have a unique, special opinion. She’s a radical feminazi and pro-gay rights prat. (nothing wrong with gay rights, let me clarify, but she goes about claiming she hates straight people when she herself, is straight). She’s one of those tumblrfags who goes about claiming people have “thin privilege” and if you don’t accept every single thing about feminazis and the LGBT community, you’re a bigot and should be killed. Funnily enough, she can’t back her arguments up and resorts to screaming that you’re bigoted/homophobic/sexist/racist as applicable to her argument. I can’t stand the cow.

 She’s got huge daddy issues and because of this, likes to pretend she’s got every mental disorder under the sun, her favourite being bipolar. As with a lot of people who pretend they’ve got a mental disorder, they only act out the most common “symptoms” and often, common misconceptions. She also feels the need to post about her “disorders” on facebook and other such social networking sites.

The fact is, someone who has a mental disorder never boasts about it. They never use it to get special treatment. They just do their best to get on with it all. On a personal level, people who make up disorders that people genuinely suffer is pretty disgusting, simply because they are so boring and insecure they have to pretend they’re ill. Some people claim that is a disorder in itself, but it is not. It is simply a lie created to garner attention.

Some girl I know from back at home isn’t as bad as some of the other examples. At least, she doesn’t piss me off quite as much as the others. But, she infuriates a couple of friends of mine, and I’ll explain why it is for their benefit I’m including her.

The three friends I’m talking about are all LGBT. Two are lesbians and dating, and one is a trans FTM. All of them are lovely, kind people I value as friends, so this girl’s behaviour does upset me, if only on behalf of people I care about.

This girl is pretending she’s an FTM Trans.

Let me put this into context. A lot of, if not most, trans people have a really hard time of it, coming to terms with what they feel, how they feel, and dealing with ridicule from all sides, not to mention the trauma of the surgeries and hormone treatments. This girl just wanders round, claiming she identifies as a man, but making no effort to change the way she dresses or looks. She looks very feminine for a “bloke”. She wears make up, has girly hair, wears girl’s clothes. And she’s done this for months. Naturally, my actual trans friend is upset, because she has no idea how hard it is to be a trans person. Indeed it’s the letter in LGBT that is least understood and has the least awareness. But this girl will just go around happily spouting that she’s a boy and should be treated like a boy but refuses to make any attempt to transition. It makes me sick.

One final example that gets my blood boiling.

Another attention whore I know, this one an emo, likes to make up that she’d been raped on numerous occasions (conveniently after she’d had an argument with her then boyfriend) and had been abused by various men in the past. Oddly enough, she only started claiming this stuff happened to her after a dear friend of mine (who shall remain nameless for obvious reasons) got very drunk and accidentally let slip that she had been abused and raped by a previous partner. Poor thing was hysterical when she realised what she’d said.

But when that self-serving little cunt started proudly stating that she had been through the same thing, but WORSE, so much WORSE than my poor friend, and patronisingly trying to tell her she should be glad it wasn’t WORSE I have to say, I’m proud that my friend didn’t kill her.

It’s just so insulting, what these people do. they take something horrid that happened to another, or a struggle that someone’s going through and turn it all around to make it about them, when most of the time they lead a sheltered life, and the only bad thing to happen to them was their parents told them off when they found their cigarettes at 14. it’s just plain disgusting. There are more examples I could give you but I don’t think I can stand to write much more about it all.

The worst bit about all these vile people is they have idiots around them who agree with everything they’ve said, encouraging this pathetic behaviour just to be included. I have never understood why this sort of behaviour is encouraged. Do you want to avoid upsetting them in case you “trigger” something? In case they’re telling the truth? Let me tell you now, you can ALWAYS tell when someone is lying. Don’t call them out if you don’t want to but for the love of god, stop giving them attention. People who really need you to be there for them will often never ask you.

It’s Been Almost Two Years

I should be revising. I should be exercising. I should be eating some fruit.

I should be doing a lot of things but instead I’m sitting on the sofa reading over this blog that I accidentally forgot about. Reading over it made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because some of my articles made me laugh like a motherfucker, knowing I can be funny and articulate (if rather stuck up) is good. But sad because I was so angry all the time.

I’m still angry all the time.

This seems to be a good way to vent some of my mounting frustration without severely injuring anyone, so, ignoring the upcoming exams because I no longer give a flying fuck about any of them, await the following posts with a mixture of anxiety and boyish joy.

 

In no particular order:

Things That Annoy Me: People Who Pretend They’re Something They’re Not

Things That Annoy Me: People Who Never Shut Up

Things That Annoy Me: Poor Animal Control

Things That Annoy Me: Living With Retards

 

Also I’ll be randomly updating general bollocks that happens during my average day/week etc

 

Enjoy!

Spam Wank

I hadn’t even considered the idea that I would get annoying spam here; I’d never really paid that much attention to it, and just deleted it and got on with my day. But, for shits and giggles, I thought it would be a good idea to have a look at what some of them say.

And my my, was I disappointed.

It’s like spammers aren’t even TRYING any more. In the past, you could get a spam email or something that actually looked legit. Now? Full of grammatical and spelling errors, clear idiocy and the inability to speak English showing through as clearly as a skidmark on tighty-whiteys.

And some of them came from such websites as “sexline” and other similar places.

Gooby pls.

For a start, if I want porn, I know damn well where to go. For another thing, advertising prostitution (I made an educated guess about one of the spammers) was illegal the last time I looked.

Look, if you’re going to spam me, at least make it a bit more personal. I’m clearly a student with a thing for pirates and complaining about life. My blog is certainly not intended to be educational, I consider the information shared in these pages to be of a standard.

So I’m bigheadded and vain too. Your standardised messages are boring and cliche. Do it properly.

Christ, it feels like I’m talking to an ex…

Yarrrr I Can’t Be Thinkin’ Of A Title…

It’s getting to that stage again where I am forgetting to blog.

I have loads lined up, more complaints mostly, but I never seem to get around to sorting them out.

So today.

I was supposed to be in work, and after getting all psyched up for it, I find out that I’m working from home today. It took all of my self control not to fall back to sleep. I’m still technically working after all.

But tomorrow, it’s back to the office, back on those god forsaken busses costing me stupid amounts of money because I hate driving and won’t put myslef through it and back to learning more about stuff.

This keyboard annoys me.

I can hear mother and “sister” talking through the wall. I don’t wanna fucking hear, I’ve got to go to sleep soon if I’m to have any chance of getting up on time tomorrow. But nope, miss 17-and-pregnant is going to be up all night talking to mum and keeping her awake, even though she’s got work in the morning too. Baby this and baby-fucking-that… Drives me up the motherfucking wall.

I can’t be fucked to go on a rant about why I hate some of the people in my family right now

 

Strangely though.

 

You know how parents are supposed to be those innocent people who are shocked by sex and stuff?

Mum just came in and offered me a cock-shaped mint.

I don’t know whether I feel awkward because it’s my mum, or the fact that I ate one.

Things That Annoy Me: Emofags

I am sick

And I am tired

Of emofags constantly whingeing about how hard life is.

You know the ones.

The ones that sit there with steampunk hair and holes in their face, with ripped jeans and holes in their jumpers to put their thumbs through, the ones who always listen to whiney emo songs about how sad their life is, about death, about taking drugs to “make the pain go away”. The ones that always say “Why is this so hard? Why can’t life be easier? OMG I want to dieeeee… Gonna carve a heart where mine used to be…”

Oh fuck, now I think my brain’s melting.

It really, really, pisses me the fuck off. Because it’s never about something in life that’s actually hard, like a close relative dying, or anything really sad like that, no, it’s more often than not them crying over a relationshp that lasted a month finishing.

I know someone who used to go to my school who is exactly like this. She sees a guy, he smiles at her, she becomes obsessed with him, pesters him to go out with her, and within two days of the relationship starting, she’s going through his phone, his emails, and getting really fucked off if he’s flirted with a girl four weeks before he’d even met this emofag. Then, understandably, he gets annoyed and does what all men do, tey retreat for a while to sort out what’s going on in their mind, to figure out the best course of action and to chill out a bit.

But what does miss emofag do? Follows him. Clings. Won’t leave him alone. Pesters. Crys because he “doesn’t understand her” “Why don’t you love meeeeeeee?” Um, we’ve been dating a week…

So they break up. Then, for about a month, my facebook is filled with whiney emofag statuses about how hard life is, how she can’t go on, how she wants to forget but it’s so hard to let go and other similarly worded bollocks.

You know what?

Get the fuck over it.

Yeah, we’ve all been there where we’ve had a partner who we loved and it didn’t work out, and we were sad, but the majority of people with a brain who are not attention whores didn’t cry about it for months on end for the world to see, we had our sad few days, picked ourselves up, and tried to get on with our lives and remember that we don’t need a partner to be happy.

If you get the fuck over the fact that you rushed into a relationship, smothered this guy with affection, gave him absolutely everything and expected it in return, even though you barely know each other, then it turns out he’s not the unflawed mr. perfect you envisioned, he’s actually a normal guy who got spoiled by you and came to expect it (as all humans do when they’re spoiled) and actually can’t read your mind, so he doesn’t know you want a hug when you sit huffily in a corner, you end up fighting because you’re immature and niaeve, then you break up.

When you grow up and realise life isn’t a fairytale, and that there are no such things as knights in shining armour, and no such things as princesses of golden hearts, then maybe you’ll be able to have a normal relationship, and you’ll be happy.

The sad thing is, it’s understandable when 13 year old girls do this, they’ve not had a relationship and son;t know what to expect. But this girl, and all the others I know, and so many more out there in the world are in their late teens, early twenties, and are still behaving like kids.

Fucking emofags man.

Things That Annoy Me: Children

Most people around will look at a baby or child in the vicinity, and their eyes light up, they rush over and go “d’aww, look at his widdle feet! Isn’t he the most precious little creature in the whole of the world?” Or they’ll find some other feature of said child to squee over, before engaging the parent in meaningless blather about baby clothes and schools and suchlike, whatever the hell it is parents talk about. Indeed, some creepy old crones seem to have a baby sixth sense, and go slithering over to the terrified new mum to coo and caw and offer some unwanted, but probably needed advice.
I personally do not find children to be the endearing bundles of joy the world perceives them to be, I in fact find them to be utterly repulsive. Especially babies.
I’ll start with them.
Not only do babies (if you are female) leech off your body by sucking out all the nutrients that you as a human need, causing you to be exhausted, in pain from backache, tummyache, swollen ankles and stuff, unable to eat your favourite, nutritious foods because it might damage the kid, then they ruin your figure and self esteem (if you care about things like that) by making you fat and saggy, in both tummy and breast department, AND they utterly destroy your sex life for about a year. If I was a man, I wouldn’t want to be having sex with a pregnant female, because there’s a child involved too. Just yuck. And, after the woman’s pushed this watermelon sized, slimy sprog out of the most sensitive area of the body, she’s just a bit too sore for sex, because, you know, she’s had to push a watermelon out her vagina. And if it doesn’t stretch enough, it’ll tear. Like ripping cloth. If that doesn’t happen, the lovely doctor will cut your vagina open for you. While you’re conscious. nd that’s just the pregnancy/birth bit.
Ultimately, babies are noisy, leaky, smelly, spewy, shitty, selfish little fuckrats. All they care about is themselves: when they get fed, when they get changed, which person they want to barf or piss on next. Fuck everyone else; it’s the baby’s way or the highway.
Once this thing that looks like a purple potato has emerged covered in the gloop from Satan’s left nostril, it sets about wailing and shrieking and screaming. And if it doesn’t, and you’re thinking hooray! Peace and quiet! I can go to sleep and forget about the fact my vagina looks and feels like it’s been mauled by a rabid fox with a fondness for serrated knives!
Nah.
The sodding nurse gives it an almighty whap to make it holler. This noise doesn’t stop for around a year or two, depending upon when the kid learns to talk. Then it’s incessant babble, but I’ll talk about toddlers in a bit.
Aside from the screeching, the horrid little leech latches on to your tits and sucks them dry. Nothing is more disturbing to me than the thought of some little parasite draining me dry from my breasts. The very thought makes me want to walk the plank in preference. To me, someone’s mouth being anywhere near a nipple is considered to be more sexual than anything (or jokey if you’re taking stupid pictures with friends…don’t ask) so a child doing it? I can’t get my head around it. I know it’s natural and all that cack, and tits are there for babies, but that is SO not my thing. I don’t like people touching (or trying to touch) my nipples at the best of times. Just fucking yuck.
Once the rat has finished sucking you dry, leaving you lopsided (if it’s not greedy, don’t worry, it’ll drain both soon) it’ll shit itself. If it’s not done that yet, it’ll come. First, you’ll need to wind the kid to stop to getting tunnyache, like the nine months of it for you mean nothing. Guaranteed, this will result in vomit. Babies vomit a lot. I mean, at least twice a day. They seem to vomit just to annoy you. Sorry, but when I burp, I don’t puke everywhere. Even when I’m overfull with beer I rarely puke. It’s bad manners, especially for the person who’s got to clean it up. That’s you, young mother!
But yeah. Shit. Babies, like vomiting, tend to shit one hell of a lot. Expect to change your kid’s nappy about 10-12 times a day. And I don’t mean the 12 hour day you’re used to, I mean full on 24 hour day. It’s going to smell like rotten potatoes. If you don’t know what that smells like, go find a small potato, and leave it to rot in a room/cupboard you don’t go into often. When it’s rotten, go in there and have a whiff. If you haven’t thrown up, it’s not rotten.
The tot’s tush sewage will also be black, tarry and sticky. Good luck getting it out of any material you have around the house; sofas, carpets, the dog etc. You’ve got to wipe its arse (the moment when most kids decide to pee all over an unsuspecting grown up, a look of glee on its malevolent little mug) and powder it, because if you don’t, and you don’t change its nappy ASAP, you’ll have the joys of nappy rash! Hooray! More screaming from said kid. You’ll need to let the air get to its butt, so no nappies for a week, resulting in you running around with a baggie and a mop for all those little accidents.
So, ultimately, you’ll get no sleep, as when the kid’s awake, it’ll be screaming, shitting, feeding and vomiting. Sometimes all at once if you’re lucky. If you get one of those rare moments when it’s not doing any of the above, you’ve got to either give it a bath, or stimulate it with toys or speech, you know, to build a relationship. Why you wouldn’t want to build a relationship between the baby and a cliff by now is beyond me, but parents keep doing it.
Then, mercifully, the thing will go to sleep. You can sleep too!
Just kidding.
If you want to be a good parent, and have no help from anyone else (as is the case with a lot of single parents, sadly) you’ve got to keep the house clean, sterilise everything, cook your own food if you’ve got time to eat, do some shopping, sit down for a bi… Oh, the kid’s awake again. Good luck!

If by some miracle you manage to get through babyhood without committing murder or suicide, I commend you. Well done! Now come the joys of toddlerhood, or The Terrible Tantrum Extravaganza, as I like to call it.
The Sims 3 got this right, toddlers need to learn how to walk, talk and shit in a toilet instead of their pants before they become children and get ridiculed for shitting their pants and crawling about, babbling nonsense words.
So, after many falls, injuries and more screaming, your toddler can walk! Congratulations. It just makes it easier for the little fuckwit to get into trouble. The fireguard by the fire to stop the kid crawling into it? As a biped, it can lift that thing right off and get hurt. The iron lifted high out of reach of a crawling baby? On two legs, it can reach up and squish its own face because it can pull the cord down. Frying pans, books, the cat’s tail, anything that can be grabbed, will be grabbed, and if the desired item moves away, it can now be chased, leading to general chaos. Any kind of dangerous situation your kid can get into, it will get into. Children seem determined to injure themselves in as many ways as possible, as if there is some kind of competition going on at PlayGroup: Who can be the most severely hurt before we hit three years old? Extra points if you lose a limb. You’re going to have to spend every waking moment ensuring it doesn’t jump out a window or under a car or off a cliff, that it doesn’t get stuck under a bed, behind a cupboard, in the oven… At least you don’t have to carry it any more.
Now for the talking. With some luck provided that neither you nor the child are as stupid as your average chav, your child will pick up talking fairly easily, provided you do it right. The thing is, once it starts talking, it won’t stop. Imitation and irritation go hand in hand here, as the brat will attempt to say everything you do. Like a parrot, but less cute. Okay, misspoken baby words can be seen as adorable by many, but to me, it’s a source of noise I can do without. If you can’t hold an intelligent conversation with me, shut the fuck up.
Once it understands the basic concept and meaning of some important words, your little bipedal shit sack will use them only to their own advantage. “Want.” “No.” “Give me.” “Hate you.” To name just a few choice words and phrases a toddler will employ to get what it wants. Indeed, if these demands are not met, a disaster beyond imagination will occur.
It’ll throw a tantrum.
You know those times you’ve been to the supermarket/coffee shop/brothel, and some horrid little delinquent is screaming blue murder because its parent won’t give it a solid gold tippex bottle or something of the like. You look at them and think “Davy Jones, why doesn’t that inconsiderate parent shut that little brat up? I’m trying to enjoy a quiet shop/cuppa/shag here.”
The parent stands there, defeated, and gives in, ending the tantrum and trying hard not to drop kick the smug look off the horrid thing’s face as everyone in the vicinity shakes their collective heads.
Well guess what new parents! That’s you, standing there in your unwashed hair and scraggy clothes, wilting in the glares of fifty odd shoppers, enduring their mutters like heat seeking sharks and wishing you could be swallowed up into the floor (because you’d get some sleep then, at least) because your disgusting little deviant is screaming and roaring like a gorilla on fire, with a contorted look of red-faced, bug-eyed constipation rage on its warped little phizog, screeching like a banshee for all to hear, hurling itself on the ground until it gets its own way.
And you give in, don’t you? It’s so much easier to buy the chocolate or t-shirt or pony than to discipline the child, because you’re so… damn… tired. Trouble is, if you give in to tantrums, your ghastly little demon spawn will learn that by having a tantrum, it’ll get what it wants. Toys, food, whatever; at home, out and about, wherever. It’ll start doing it to your friends, if you have any left by this point. Your best girl friend has a new coat, and is trying to drink some red wine or other staining beverage? Your kid wants it? He or she will grab the glass, spilling the wine, ruining coat, carpet and friendship for life. Then it’ll scream because it got wet and didn’t get its own way.
The proper way to deal with tantrums is to ignore them. DO NOT give in, no matter how tired you are, no matter who is looking at you funny, you put down your shopping/coffee/prostitute, you go out of the establishment, do not speak to the child, you put it in the car and stand outside for a few minutes, or until it’s stopped crying. You then sit it down, get down to its level, and say you don’t want to see it behaving like that again. Then you kiss and make up. If it behaves, buy it a small treat, and say they’ve got it for being good. Alternatively, before you go out, say “If you are good, I’ll do ________” something nice. If they’re bad, they don’t get it. No matter what. Remember, tantrums and attention seeking/deliberately annoying behaviour will get worse before it gets better.
I hate kids, but I know how they work.
Toddler toileting. I don’t really need to say much, because toileting means no more shitty nappies to change, and no more trouble for you, provided your kid knows how to wipe its own arse.
And now, on to children.
My dislike of all things baby/child related decreases as the child ages, as expected. The more able they are to hold an intelligent conversation with me, the more I can put up with them. I still greatly dislike kids though, as all they seem to do is answer back, think they’re funny, don’t eat properly, play up and talk bollocks. They have no concept of danger, as no one under the age of fourteen does (this age is increasing as people become obsessed with YOLO and SWAG). They irritate the fuck out of me.
There’s not really anything more I can say about annoying kids without repeating myself. Okay, kids can be charming. Some of them are clever, and have been raised properly by their parents to be decent members of society. These kids I can deal with. Sometimes they come out with something so ridiculously stupid or insightful that it’s funny. And while children, toddlers and babies are all incredibly selfish, at least they don’t judge people for being gay, or black, or disabled.

Greenday’s Well Publicised Tantrum

So everyone’s been whining about Billie Joe throwing a wobbler at some concert or another a little while ago. Apparently, he got drunk / was on drugs / is a brat and had a bitch fit because the people in charge cut his band’s time by half an hour because Usher overran his time slot.
Wait what?
Some dickhead overran his allotted time, so they cut another artist’s time?
That, to me, is completely unfair.
Sure, BJ could have behaved with a little more decorum and had a quiet word with managers and co off stage, but to be honest, if I’d have been in that position, and had my time cut with no warning, because some ignorant, moronic dickface had been inconsiderate and stupid, I’d have thrown a wobbler too.
Concerts overrun, okay? It’s part of the damned package. Artists play with the audience and have some fun instead of just singing like a CD and being boring.
What I have a problem with is one shitface doing it and making another artist suffer for it. If they were that worried about time, they should have cut Usher off when he overran.
It seems like it’s acceptable to do it to one artist but not another. What the fuck gives? Were they worried Usher would have a tantrum and sue them or something?
I don’t know and I don’t care, but ultimately, I think Billie Joe had every right to be pissed off, and people saying he acted like an idiot have a point, but in my opinion, it’s acceptable considering the way he and his band were treated.

I’d rather listen to their music than that bollocks rap that people think is music.